A message from Iran's secret police

From: Iranian Ministry of Intelligence and Security

To: President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

Subject: Torture of American prisoners

Your Excellency,

We are pleased to inform you that should the Americans be foolish enough to attack, our security forces will be permitted to use the following interrogation techniques:

* Waterboarding
* Sleep deprivation
* Slaps to the face and abdomen
* Confinement in cramped spaces
* Dousing them with water
* Stripping them naked or forcing them to wear a diaper

All of these techniques were used by the Americans at Guantanamo. Their own Justice Department approved them, as shown by this CNN story. If the Americans can justify torturing Al Qaeda and Taliban prisoners, then they are in no position to criticize us for using the same techniques. Should the Americans complain of our methods, we need only remind world opinion of America’s own record on human rights.

We must admit our puzzlement at U.S. policy. For a nation that demands humane treatment of its own captured soldiers, the Americans have legitimized torture and thus placed the lives of their troops at risk. However, their stupidity is our gain, and we thank Allah for the foolishness of our enemies.

Of course, our interrogation methods may be harsher than those employed by the Americans. But this is merely a matter of subjectivity. The U.S. Justice Department stipulate that physical abuse is permissible as long as there is no intent to cause severe pain. Iranian interrogators will have no desire to cause severe pain. They will merely persuade American prisoners of the error of their ways. After a few days in our prisons, they will only be happy to confess to their numerous crimes.

The Blessings of the Prophet be upon you. May Allah bless the victory of the Islamic Republic of Iran.

Signed,

Iranian Ministry of Intelligence and Security

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